I discovered the end...
I knew it existed,
but it never seemed quite real.
Or maybe…
that it was just for others....
But now, it holds my father.
I can sense him waiting.
I can see him standing
…in the light
and I know that it is peaceful,
…it is real.
And that my time is not to be taken for granted
…as it will end for me too.
I discovered the end.
And oh, how sweet it has made
each day
…anew.
The summer of 2010, right around Father’s Day, my dad got very sick. Father’s Day had always been a challenge for me, and I could never find the right card that expressed my true sentiments for him. My dad left our family when I was three and half years old. We had a long-distance father-daughter relationship, at best. I was raised by my mom, a single woman who tried her best to take care of three children. Some years, I would send my mom a Father’s Day card, in jest, but also out of respect for everything she did and sacrificed for us.
This year, rather than sending a card that didn’t seem to fit, I simply called him. During the phone call I learned his health had been declining over the winter months and early spring while he was snow-birding in Arizona. Now that he was back home he was going to the doctor’s office for some tests early the next week. He said he would call with any news. The tests turned into emergency triple bypass heart surgery, which lead to three months of steady declining health. I realized his life could be coming to an end. I was predicting an opportunity for a final goodbye. Perhaps now, I thought, was the time to deal with a lifetime of hurts, pain and regret in hope of getting final closure and healing. I decided to write down all of my thoughts on paper, and then I might seek the courage to give my father the letter my heart had been holding for years. Below is the letter I wrote to him.
September 2010
Dear Dad,
None of us knows when our last day on this earth will come and I know that you have not been feeling well. So, I wanted to make sure to tell you some things that are heavy on my heart.
I am sorry…
I am sorry we did not have a close father-daughter relationship while I was growing up. I am sorry we didn’t get to see each other very often and that we didn’t get to know each other very well. I am sorry I carried this through into my adult life. I think I am most sorry that I am unable to tell you all the things written here face to face.
Forgive me…
Please forgive me for hurting you. We all make choices in life, some we regret and others that bless us and those around us. My deepest desire for our relationship now is that I can somehow, in some small way, be a blessing to you.
Thank you…
I will never forget the time I asked you to come get me the summer before my senior year in high school. I didn’t tell you that my motivation for calling you in the first place was to hurt my mom. After a foolish teenage action that landed me in the police station, mom was disappointed. I was hurt by her and the best way I knew to combat hurt was to hurt back. In my mind, the most absolute way to hurt her back was to leave her, just like you did. And so I unleashed my most powerful weapon. I told her I was going to go live with you.
I acted upon my threat with a phone call to you. When I asked if I could live with you, to my utter dismay you said yes and you would be there to get me in four hours. That was it. Everything I knew, for 17 years was over. One impulsive decision in the morning on my part had changed the course of my life. I had four hours to pack all my stuff and say goodbye to as many of my lifelong friends I could.
You picked me up in the back driveway of our house, from the alley. That was the first and last time you ever came to our house that way. I never asked you why. I felt as though you were whisking away, sweeping away a problem as quickly and secretively as possible. Anything to avoid the neighbors knowing. I learned a sad piece of reality that day… how my family deals with shame and disappointment. We make them go away. We do not discuss them. We do not love through them. We clean up the mess as quickly as possible and we move on. Regardless if that mess happens to be a person.
Even though I only lived with you for a little over three months, it felt much longer. I had to start my senior year in a completely new high school, with four times as many students. I didn’t have any friends. The classes seemed to be harder. I wasn’t playing sports. I was missing the most important year of my life back home. You were emotionally distant from me. I had a strained relationship with your wife from all the previous years of visits to your home heavy laden with mom’s hurt, anger and blame directed towards her.
But when I reflect on the events of that summer, I believe living with you was something that needed to be done. For one reason, it was the only time in my entire life when I needed you; you actually came through for me. No questions asked. I called for you, and you came. You dropped everything and came back for me. That one action healed a small part of my broken little girl heart from you leaving me the first time when I was only three and a half. You made me believe I was worth coming back for.
I love you…
I love you. Even more important, I want you to know and truly believe deep in your soul that God loves you. God loves you, no matter what! We may not have a lot of time left together on this earth, and things here are far from perfect. But can you imagine the day we meet again in Heaven? My heart truly leaps for joy at the thought of having a perfect and fully restored relationship with you there. I can see your outstretched arms and almost feel the warmth of them embracing me.
I love you Dad.
-Carole
September 25, 2010, my father passed away. I never gave the letter to my dad. I did not speak any of the written words to him, except for telling him I loved him, on his birthday, six days before he died. Despite the fact he was seriously ill, his death seemed to sneak-up upon us all and then overcome us with the sheer surprise of it. It seemed to happen in slow-motion and yet full-speed all at the same time. I think now, in reflection, it is the mind’s way of not wanting to face the stark reality of death.
What brings me comfort, is knowing the words in my unsent letter came straight from my heart. I believe through all the wondrous and powerful ways of the Lord that the Holy Spirit knew my words and spoke them directly to my father’s soul. I no longer live with the expectation there will be one last moment for a final goodbye. I know I may not be granted time to sit and ponder my final words that will be spoken or read to a loved one before he or she leaves this earth. Rather, I strive to be aware of my intentions for each relationship in my life. Aware of any regrets I may have. Actively seeking forgiveness from those I have wronged. Expressing thanks and gratitude for people in my life and the ways they have touched me. And above all else, constantly speaking my love and God’s love into their hearts.
Although I could not find a way to give my dad the letter or speak my written words to him, in the end, it made no difference, because he was no longer conscious to hear. Through the act of writing my letter, I clearly knew what was in my heart and what my desires were for our relationship. Because I knew I wanted to somehow, in some small way, be a blessing to him, for his last three days on this earth, I was able to sit at his bedside and hold his hand…something I hadn’t done since I was a little girl. I was able to make him a blanket with my own hands and wrap it around him like a warm embrace that I would never feel from his arms. I was able to rest my head on his chest and whisper words of love to him, as he lay gasping for his very own last breathes. And for this, and for my unsent letter I will always be thankful.
***
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.” 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 NIV
Prayer…
Lord, thank you for your unfailing love! To know what good, right and true love is; all I need to do is look to you. Despite my hurts you have called me to a higher road… you have called me to love! Continue to heal my heart so that I may shine your light and love to others in my life when you put it upon my mind to do so. Let me be clear in my intentions and steadfast in my actions so that I do not miss an opportunity to let you work through me. Your word promises that love never fails. Give me this victory today!
Going deeper…
*Have you ever written an Unsent Letter to someone?
*Why do you think you didn’t send it?
*Do you feel like you could try to write an Unsent Letter in a tone of forgiveness, letting go of hurts you may be harboring?
*What do you think about the Lord’s definition of Love in 1 Corinthians 13?
*How can you intentionally live out or “send” a love letter to someone in your life today?
... More to come! Excerpts taken from Devotional I am writing:
After You Leave, Who Will Love Me?
Finding Your True Unfailing Love in Goda guided journal with 30 Devotions
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