This Can’t Be You…

I have been attending my Christian Writing/Editing Group bi-weekly for roughly two years now.  For the same amount of time I have been slowly but surely chipping away on my first book, a Memoir.  Some of the chapters are extremely telling and memories that I don’t really want to remember let alone share with others.   But they are my stories and they need to be told… so the reader can know me, relate to me and hopefully heal with me. 

I read one of those uncomfortable chapters last week aloud in my group.  Chapter 3 - which should give you a pretty good idea about how long I have been holding this one back.  I have been waiting until I feel safe.  I have been waiting to see if my writing is “good enough”.  I have been waiting for someone to tell me to stop writing because it’s not good, so I don’t have to read the hard ones.  But this hasn’t happened.  So I keep writing, I keep attending and I keep reading.

Today as I sit down to go over my edits and colleagues remarks in attempt to finalize my chapter, I come across the following comment scratched in pen beneath my final typed words:

“This can’t be you.

I would never imagine you’d had so much pain – you are so positive. 

Likeable.

Intelligent person. 

Competent.

You must have an incredibly strong spirit.”

Hmmmm…….

This got me thinking.

Why not me?

What does having a painful experience have to do with how likeable I am?

What does my pain have to do with my intelligence?

And then the Devil sneaks right-in on the tailcoats of the comment and adds to my thoughts.

So then, my bluff is called. 

My positive, likeable, intelligent, competent, venus-fly-trap of an exterior that I have painstakingly worked at creating for 30+ years is blown.  They saw me, the real-me.  The broken-little-girl me.  And they say, “this can’t be you!”  But it is.

 It is ME like no other ME. 

Now what?  You can’t keep writing that stuff.  No one will like you ever again.  You are a fake.

 

And that’s when AN INCREDIBLY STRONG SPIRIT steps in!

He was right; you DO have an incredibly strong spirit – The Holy Spirit!

A God-given Spirit. 

The devil speaks of fear and lies.  The Spirit speaks of truth and life.  God is love, and will never speak words of hurt directly to your heart.  The Bible tells me:

“Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.” Romans 8:1.   It goes on to say in verse 28 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”

In… ALL.. things

God works for the good

Of those who love him.

And as I write, the song “You are More” starts to softly play in the background:

“You are more.

…You’ve been remade!”

Even though it took me 38 years to really believe what I am writing today.  I believe it.

And so I will continue to write my story.

I will read my story out loud.

And I will confidently say, “Yes, this is me, and oh Boy, do I ever have a strong Spirit!”