On this cold, wet, gray Monday morning, as I return home from dropping off my two grade-schoolers, I contemplate crawling back into my bed and pulling the covers securely around me. I have a desperate need to shut out all that is waiting for me... no, change that, screaming for me, to take care of. My home.... the bills...my own expectations of whom I should be....
My thoughts drift to my bank account. I have the responsibility of one small account, to buy our groceries, gas for my car, the dog's food, fun for me, the kids, and our family. There are still 5 days until payday and I need gas and dog food, and a little more groceries... but my account is overdrawn.
I drift through my home on my way to the computer and notice the dirty clothes piled-up and strewn about the floors. They have been dropped, on the spot, where they were discarded for a new set of clean ones for the day. The beds are unmade, my 8 year olds lies in the corner of our front room, he has abandoned his bedroom for the last month and a half. I walk across dried mud caked and sprinkled on my hardwood floors from my daughters boots. The kitchen counter top is littered with dirty dishes and half-eaten breakfast. My dog takes the opportunity to hoist her front paws up to the counter and knocks down a chocolate chip waffle. I would not let my closest friend into my home right now. My account is overdrawn.
Does anyone else feel overdrawn? I can not seem to manage my money, my home, my life, they way I envision that I SHOULD. I think of everything that I want to be:
A wife that will make my husband proud
A mother that my children love
A homemaker, with an uber clean home; frozen meals stacked and labeled in my freezer
A fit woman, who can run a 1/2 marathon and keep up with the best of them
A writer that inspires the masses
A wise and frugal shopper that follows couponing blogs
A women's ministry leader that encourages women
I look at my list and see all of the Do, Do Do's.... and I reflect on how I feel if I DO NOT.
If I DO NOT, then I WILL NOT be loved. It is an intense state of fear. It sneaks upon me after a sunny spring day of laughter and calm. It worms it's way into my heart when I am least expecting it. Remember Carole, they left you.... when you were a baby, when you were a little girl...what are you going TO DO, to make sure they don't leave you again?
My account is overdrawn today, and I am terrified that there is nothing I can DO about it.
... More to come! Excerpts taken from book I am writing:
After They Leave, Who Will Love Me?A Memoir of struggle to find love after adoption, divorce and death