And then Sunday morning came, and I couldn’t stop the tears.

Sunday morning was full of tears. 

Uncontrollable tears.

The kind of sadness that makes you want to lie on the floor.  Down as low as you can get, in the dark and just lay.

I haven’t felt that way for a while.

I hate this feeling.

…It reminds me of when my father died. 

…It reminds me of when of my father left our family.

…it reminds me of when my brother went to go live with my dad when I was in the fifth grade.

…It reminds me of how my sister has turned her back on me.

Sitting in the pew, behind the pastor’s wife and her three children… these dear people, whom over the last two years I have grown to love.  I have let myself trust these people.  I have let them into my heart.  I cannot look at them without tears streaming down my checks and raw emotions getting stuck in my throat.

The whole service, as I sit trying to control my emotions, I know what is about to come.  It is a sickening anticipation.  Swelling inside my gut.  I try to focus on the Lord and His goodness.  I try to sing Amazing Grace, but I can not stop the tears.

Our pastor concludes his message and then states to the small congregation of about 100 that he has some news to share.

“We strongly believe that God is releasing me from ministry as Senior Pastor”

And there it is.  He is leaving. 

Again… someone is leaving.

I had forewarning on this one, but didn’t believe it would actually happen.  Was praying that there would be some miraculous change of heart.  On Friday evening, as we were out to dinner with friends we received a phone call from one of the elders at church.  “Something very sad has happened”  the voice tells my husband, a deacon for the church.  “You need to call the Pastor.”

As my husband continues to make the call, he learns the Pastor has decided to leave our church.

I was in shock, disbelief.  Angry.

I had a lot on my plate to deal with emotionally this weekend with my Mom in town for visit and my sister’s oldest daughter's high school graduation.  Lots of family drama and stresses were being unfolded and I didn’t have room in my heart for another.  So I was just pissed.

Shelved it for another time.

Took it out on my mom with angry bitter words.

And then Sunday morning came, and I couldn’t stop the tears.

... More to come! Excerpts taken from book I am writing:

After They Leave, Who Will Love Me?

A Memoir of struggle to find love after adoption, divorce and death